It took well over a year to get through this diagnosis and the isolation and depression that came with it all. My emotions were all over. First and fore most blaming myself for this disease when there is no known cause. There are facts of Finland having the largest population of T1D in the world…and I am of Finnish decent. Of course it was suspected that the lack of Vitamin D with no sun for many months in Finland and less sunlight in winter in Canada another viable possibility.
I kept trying to look for a cause of a disease that caught us completely off guard. Just looking for answers was making me nuts.
I was afraid of all that could happen to him based on the information from the hospital. They go on about all of the things that could happen if he doesn’t take care of himself. If not looked after, as I understood that there is a higher possibility of he could have a stroke, heart attack, heart issues, he could loose his sight, he could have limbs amputated from circulation issues, kidney failure – the list seemed to be endless if he didn’t have good control over this disease.
I was afraid for those first few nights which would have led into months to let him sleep alone. I was afraid he wouldn’t wake up. I am sure now that I was in a depression of this ‘new normal’. The grief of it all – I am sure I was also in shock.
As a mom, you try and absorb all of that. Sick Kids in Toronto makes me be responsible for him and his disease so that he can continue having a ‘normal’ childhood. It is not easy! It is easy to get overwhelmed. It is easy to make yourself a little crazy worrying about all the ‘what if’s’. What if he is fine and you help him to understand this disease? What if all that time you had spent worrying you could have used that energy for all kinds of other things.
What if you found other adults…who had the same disease and were fine 15-20 years in. What if you found inspiration in the fact that all this…might not happen to him so soon? There are no guarantees in life. None. You have to live your life…you cannot live your life in this fear. If you feel this way…it is perfectly normal.
The whole reason I started this blog was to tell you my stories. To share my experiences. To let you know – you will be OK and so will your child. Just to take away some or all of the fears. Yes they are possibilities but that is all they are…don’t let the possibilities become larger than your life.
We would return to the hospital for clinic appointments where it was all about my son. Height/weight/blood sugars (A1C) and diet. One day someone offered me to find a family. They would pair me up with a family situation similar to my own to see if that could help our family through this very difficult time.
They gave me a phone number to a mom of a diabetic son just like me. We talked for an hour. I had so many questions. She patiently answered everyone. I felt validated in my grief and isolation and the crying. It was everything I needed to hear. I had a whole new outlook on this disease and myself from that one single call. I never got to thank that mom. I don’t think she knew what a gift she truly was that day.